By: TJ Sullivan

It’s really hard to deal with someone who is angry.  Do you ever wonder how in the world airline customer service representatives do it all day, every day?  It’s terribly difficult to have a reasonable conversation with someone when they enter the discussion pissed off.

In your role as a student leader, there will be times when you have to deal with an angry member or constituent.  These conversations are hard. They might push your emotional buttons, and they can make you feel defensive and unappreciated.  Nonetheless, it’s an inescapable part of being a leader.

Some people draw on a reserve on inner strength. Maybe some turn to their spiritual side. When I’m dealing with an irrational person injecting their crazy in my day, I think of one phrase: “Don’t argue with a crying baby.”

Imagine yourself as the parent of a newborn. If your baby is crying loudly, it doesn’t help for you to get angry and raise your voice.  It doesn’t help to argue your side with a crying baby – she can’t understand you.  When your baby is crying, you can’t pack your stuff up and leave it for someone else.  You can’t text your friends about how annoying your baby is, hoping that they will come over and soothe it.

When your baby cries, you do what you can to solve the immediate cause of the crying, and then you rock it, sing to it, or simply hold it until it calms down. And, it might take a while.

Like a crying baby, an angry member needs to be tended.  There’s nothing fair about it, and ignoring it is both unethical and counter productive. Although it’s one of the most draining tasks of student leadership, learning to soothe an angry constituent and moving these relationships to a less charged status can yield positive results beyond the initial dysfunction.  

Some tips for dealing with your crying babies.

Engage in the most personal way possible. Engaging an angry person by text, instant message or even a reply email is a very bad idea. You can’t send a baby a text to make it stop crying, can you?  Invite someone to meet with you in person or have a phone call. Your smile, eye contact, and friendly body language can diffuse a lot of tension. You can’t use these tools in a text message or email.

Listen. Sometimes, pissed off people just want to be heard, so the best thing you can do is to listen, attentively.  Sometimes, it’s hard to figure out why the baby is crying – the diaper is fine and the baby just ate.  You investigate for a few minutes, and then you realize that its favorite toy is within sight and out of reach. You move the toy next to them, and they calm down.  It’s sort of like that with an angry member of your organization.  They might be screaming about the way someone spoke to them at a meeting last night, but what they’re really upset about is a personal conflict with a different member.  Listen. Let them talk (let the baby cry) and search around for the source of the real problem. They might toss around a dozen complaints before they start talking about what’s really bothering them. Be patient.

Change the diaper. If the person has a specific problem that can be remedied, agree to work together to take a first positive step.  “After we get off the phone, I am going to personally review the deposits to see if your check was ever deposited, and I’ll get back to you in the next two hours. We’ll figure out a next step from there. Can I call you at this number?”

Address the emotional situation. The person is angry.  It’s not just about solving the problem.  The person feels badly – they are frustrated, their feelings are hurt, they might be exaggerating the situation for effect. Because of your position, you’re the lucky recipient of that angst.  You probably won’t be able to shift them to a happy place, but that’s not really your job. What you are trying to do is calm the person down. Then, perhaps, they will start looking at the situation more rationally and with an eye toward a positive outcome. Rock the baby, sing to it, and make it feel safe and loved.

Be patient. Leaders like to resolve issues quickly and completely, so being patient with a situation is usually easier said then done.  Some crying babies stop quickly, while others need to work it out slowly.  Commit to it and don’t get frustrated if the person doesn’t give you a giggle and a smile right away.

Control your anger. The stereotype is that all parents are 100-percent nurturing and know exactly what to do with a baby that won’t stop crying.  That’s almost never true.  Many are soothing that baby and seriously questioning why they ever conceived.  That’s normal.  Dealing with a crying baby is not a fun task.  But, like with a baby, you can’t let your anger get the best of you. Be the adult.

Take care of yourself. New moms and dads can get really stressed out, and they need some constructive ways to deal with their stress. As a student leader, if you’re getting it from all sides and dealing with angry people for prolonged periods, it can really wear on you.  Acknowledge that, and lean on friends, advisors, and positive activities to help you cope with the tension.  If you need a break from the crying babies, ask for it.

Remember the good stuff. Ask any parent… when kids are making you crazy, you have to reach back, beyond the moment at hand, and put the miserable moments in perspective. The baby doesn’t always cry. There are great parts about being a student leader, but sometimes you have to deal with the uncomfortable, unfair, and annoying situations.

T.J. Sullivan is one of the nation’s best known college leadership speakers and a partner with the ForCollegeForLife speakers agency. He is a member of Pi Kappa Phi Fraternity and serves on the NGLA Board of Directors. He lives in Portland, Oregon.